I can’t believe it, I’m already in my second year of college and I’ve learnt so much about a lot of -things that I never did in my 12 years of school life and it’s now been a year and a half since engineering showed its true face. I was a totally different person back in school, and to be honest, I don’t remember much of myself back then, the years passed by so fast.

But I can assure you, I’m still the same, sane person, although, I do feel insane looking back at the shenanigans I did this year. First year was a literal whirlwind of emotions, both happy and sad. And there was this time during first year that was totally new for me, and I was unsure of how to tread the path, given the destination that it was leading to, thus, forcing me to stop halfway, and walk away. This decision did crush feelings and hearts, but oh well, it’s slowly teaching me to concentrate on myself and my career (ha-ha, as if its working).

Other than that, first year threw people from different walks of life at me, keeping me on my toes on how to deal with them, and the variety of personalities they exhibited. I can even count the number of times I thought I’d found my forever people, as Bollywood YA films make you expect, but that so wasn’t the case. I changed groups more than a model would ever change clothes, never really connecting with the people I found there, and I’m still struggling with the current ones! Living away from home has taught me that my parents are the only people I can deeply trust, and keeping a mental stronghold over yourself is tough, especially in colleges like mine, where you can easily catch the contagious fear of missing out or aka FOMO.

I sort of had a habit of expecting people to go according to my way, and follow my rules and instructions when it came to work, and disagreement was unthinkable. I stubbornly clung on to the belief that my way was the right way, paved with irrefutable logic. But this rigidity cost me, my walls crumbled under the weight of my expectations, and I ended up hurting myself, and I’d already given others the pleasure of doing so in college. This fuelled my resolve to stop expecting things from anyone (it’s a work in progress), be it my peers or teachers.

The thing about college is that, it poses a lot of new opportunities than school ever did, career wise. You never know where to take the first step, with each road leading off into different directions, and each stepping stone and the destination that awaits seems tempting, but most of the time, it’s either one that holds your interest or like in my case, thousands that do. As months flew by, I struggled with this, and still am, with the constant fear and pressure of time running out, making relaxing expensive for me, leading to problems like excessive hair fall (freshman year was rough!).

To break free from my predicament, I drew inspiration from my peers, and waged a war against my anxieties and insecurities, gradually learning to let go and “chill”. Apart from my internal battles, the good girl mask society had forged for me slipped in the crucible of college. Beneath the surface, I started observing and understanding, absorbing new experiences, and forming my own opinions, keeping them under the wraps. I did not deign to correct people about the falsities they heard about me, simply because it was a futile exercise, and knowing none of the things said were true and instead used that time and energy to navigate life.

I learnt to harness my irritation and impatience that often led to anger, and use it to treat people with the kindness and patience they didn’t deserve. Through it all, I kept assuring myself, “All in good time, honey”, when things seemed to spiral down, and yearned for college to end. My recent trip to Andaman taught me how to relax, I know it comes easily to many, but that wasn’t the case with me. I didn’t get much time to actually reflect upon my past thoughts and actions, nor did I want to, given the embarrassing decisions I’d taken, but I learnt to accept.

What I mean by that is, accept the way the world is, the way the people are, and be satisfied with what I currently have, and not keep wanting for more, because too much of something isn’t good, as all grandmothers used to say. Longing for more tends to destroy you, leaving you running around in circles, unable to satisfy your or anyone else’s needs, and I’m living with an example as my roommate. I’ve learnt to keep things to myself, those that only concern me and my actions and I learnt this from my other roommate. Haha, I’ve both of them to thank for my growth!

I learnt to cherish what I have today, and not dwell in the past. Quoting Elenor Roosevelt, “Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” Thus, I’m learning how to be in the present and not think too much about my future, because it's me who’s going to shape it, be it learning new skills or simply embracing the unknown with courage and optimism. I know some buds blossom early, unfurling into their mature selves and ready to step out into the world, but for others like me, growth is a slower dance, a gradual unfolding beneath the sun. My pace of journey is not a flaw nor is it something to sneer about, but a proof of deliberate nurturing of self-discovery into the woman I’m meant to become. Even if the rest of my undergrad years don’t unfold exactly as I envisioned, I hope they make me a stronger, focused and an intellectually shaper person than I currently am. Instead of clinging onto my past actions, thoughts and expectations, I hope to redefine my goals, and become more resilient, driven and achieve the impossible.